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A better version

I have often feared change.

I have often feared change. It is uncomfortable for me to accept that parts of my life, as I like them, will no longer be the same, even if it is for the better. I spend great effort trying to keep them as they are. I am not yet sure if this comes at an expense (others’ or mine).

“Things change, but sometimes things change into a better version of themselves.” My roommate said this to me eight years ago. I have not been living with the same person for eight years. I have just known him for as long as I can remember. I have carried this thought ever since with me, and he, to me, feels like the perfect example of this. Enough glazing. Though I have always carried this thought, and I can recall saying this to others, I have not allowed it to happen to me and things around me. In retrospect, I believe this desire to hold on and the dread of unfamiliarity has, more often then not, made things worse even though I like to disagree with it. Maybe I am too ignorant of the fact great things can and do lie beyond what we (yes you as well) think is possible. I think a lot of people can relate to this, my roommate wants me to find a job as quickly as possible because he does not want to live with someone new, even though I am a massive pain in the ass. But if somehow you are not one of us, I feel envy. The almighty clearly has favourites.

I wanted to cut ties with a good friend for a long time. How strange. But I just couldn’t. It’s difficult to when you feel nothing is wrong and there are so many things around you that remind you of the good times. But I think more than that I was just afraid of this change. I don’t want to find a new roommate either. Why cut ties with a good friend I hear you ask. That’s a good question but one I unfortunately can not answer. I can not explain. I try to be eloquent with my words but I don’t think I’ll succeed here. I know all of this sounds like a breakup but that is not even technically possible. It has been done now, my friend brought it up and saved me the discomfort of being the one to do it. Cutting ties feels like a strong word and I like to think of it as making peace with a friend.

I never thought I’ll be the guy who talks about friendships on the internet. It honestly feels weird but I guess this is who I am for the time being. Things change. I just hope this turns into something better.

On the subject of change

What I am going to say now will sound contrary to what I have been saying. I want to change. I will explain myself.

Recently I have noticed that almost everyone I speak to is trying to change something in their life. Even if I think they are doing much better than I am, there is still something they do not like. Some of my friends want to exercise more. Some want to quit smoking. Some tell me that they want to work less while others tell me they want just that. More work. I want to do all of them. I am a moron. I think everyone strives to be better than they are now. I found this fact strange, strange that I and other say that they fear change yet there is a never ending list of things that we would do differently. Maybe the fear is not of enduring the unfamiliarity but of telling yourself to let go of what is familiar. And I get it, the couch is too comfortable and the gym is full of jacked people who will never help me. I think?

I don’t know. I wish I knew. Things will be a lot simpler then. All I understand is I and everyone I know wants to be a better version of themselves. I think what stops me from taking over the world is the inability to say no. I find it difficult to say no to things that I know will hinder my progress. Sometimes it’s because I enjoy अपने पैर पर कुल्हाड़ी मारना but most of the times it’s because it’s difficult to say not to people. It makes me feel very uneasy to say no repeatedly to my friends. I do believe it needs to be done though as fearful as it might seem. I hope you all recognize what stops you as well and can learn to deal with it. We are all in this together <3.

Something normal

I went to BLR Design center today. There was an exhibition about the Banglore City. As much as I like to complain about Banglore, there is a charm to the city that I can not ignore. There is always something interesting to explore here. Always new people to meet and always more trash on the footpath. That’s basically what the exhibit was about. Namma Bengaluru, through the time. We did not arrive at a good time. There were things to do and interesting people to listen to but it was hours later and standing in an empty room does get boring after a while and I was hungry. I did not have breakfast like a functioning bachelor. We did see some cool things they had put up.

Song Segment